I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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