anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
