my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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