I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
