dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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