I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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