I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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