I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
