it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
