Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
