I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
