this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
