I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
