I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
