Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
