I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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