considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
