rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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