my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
