Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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