Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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