420 ftw
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
