Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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