So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
