Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
