Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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