it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
