blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just invented taco cereal.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
