i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
