You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
