I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
