I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
