i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
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