if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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