I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
