Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
