I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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