It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
