He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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