When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
