dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
