I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
