I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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