She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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