when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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