On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
