ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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