Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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