I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
