the condom got lost in my hair
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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