Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
