She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
