You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
