It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
